Starting Again

As 2020 draws to a close, many of us are breathing a sigh of relief. It's been a challenge to say the least. But, we can be mindful of what new years mean for those who have recently experienced loss.

After my husband died, I wanted to wake up years later and magically feel better. But an odd thing happened when the year came to an end: I didn't want it to. 2019 was the last year that saw Bill and Klaus alive. It was the last year we had plans within. It was the last year that our family existed. I found myself in a terrible pull of not wanting to be farther away from them, while still wanting to be far from the pain.

Starting again isn't as simple as it seems. We don't just wake up and think "Well, now I'm ready!" It happens little by little and sometimes thinking about the future can still feel squicky. We wonder if making plans means we're ok with loss. We're not. We simply don't have a choice.

As I work with clients, I offer the question "What do you want your life to look like?" It's a tough one to answer because what we all want to say is "Not this!" Loss isn't what we wanted. We never asked to be where we are.

2021 won't wave that magic wand. But, we can take the mental reset to take tiny steps towards who we want to be. And while we can do that at any point in time, seeing the calendar change can feel very grounding, like it's a more concrete fact of change.

Thank you for taking the time to read these posts and for supporting this journey. I wish us all a peaceful 2021.